Tuffee walked through the field of lupines
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Passion and Mediocrity
Prior to my interest in bicycles, I seldom seriously pursued activities that I wasn't good at. Mostly this was because I did not enjoy them. I always hated mathematics, chemistry and physics in school - subjects I was bad at, while I loved literature, history and art - subjects I was good at. Playing most sports was living hell, whereas performing in plays was exhilarating. Once in a while it would happen that I was good at something, but did not enjoy it: chess, tennis, leadership roles, jobs involving sales. But it almost never happened that I enjoyed something I was bad at. Doing something that we cannot do well is discouraging, embarrassing, and literally painful in the case of sports. Even if we like the idea of the activity, it is difficult to enjoy actually performing it, when all it does is highlight our weaknesses and make us experience failure again and again.
As a teenager I fell in love with Chopin, and got it into my head that I had tolearn how to play piano or life was not worth living. So I learned. For a late starter (I began at age 15), I wasn't bad. My teacher said that my ability to communicate emotion was ahead of my technique - which she meant as encouragement, since in her view the emotional part was more difficult. But I was terribly disappointed in myself. The more I practiced, the more aware I became of my technical limitations. I was sloppy, my fingers were not flexible enough, and I could not grasp music theory. For my 2nd year recital my teacher agreed to help me prepare two beautiful pieces that I had no business playing: Chopin's Prelude in E-minor and Tschaikovsky's Autumn. As far as "serious" music, these pieces are not difficult. But still to play them well required experience I did not have. I made no blatant mistakes. But I just didn't have sufficient control over my hands for the more nuanced passages and as I played in the recital I felt this acutely. The parents in the audience were thoroughly impressed by my performance. But after the recital one of the guest instructors approached and shook his finger at me: "Young lady, that was beautiful. But you should not be playing those pieces until your technique improves." And as he spoke, I knew that I did not have it in me: that I would never improve beyond mediocrity and would never be truly good enough for these pieces, no matter how much I slaved over the keyboard. I could use my ability to play "emotionally" to mask poor technique, but I would feel like a fraud. It was painful to be aware of this and my personality was not strong enough to withstand it. I quit piano within a year and took this as a lesson to save my energy for things I could truly excel at. Piano would never be one of them.
And, of course, neither would skating. No matter how much I loved watching the figure skaters on television and wished to be one of them in my younger years, it seemed stupid to waste my time to pursue something where my natural ability was so far below average. Yet now something's changed, and I find myself putting my self-esteem to the test at local skating rinks - shuffling around like an injured duckling as others around me execute graceful spins, jumps, and other displays of skill. The Co-Habitant tried to skate a week ago, and turned out to be a natural. Others too get on the ice for the first time in their lives, and after a half hour they are already gliding easily. Clearly I am a special case of ineptitude when it comes to skating. I am trying to decide how this makes me feel, and oddly it's not too bad. I am not even embarrassed, I just accept it. I also accept that even if I throw myself into learning how to skate with an obsessive passion, the end result of my dedication and hard work will be mediocrity, at best. Maybe I am older now and my ego can take it, because knowing this feels okay: I want to learn how to glide smoothly, how to turn, and how to stop without falling, and maybe if I am lucky, to eventually execute a leg lift like the girl in the picture. Those are my meager aspirations, and somehow they seem worthwhile despite the fact that I will likely have to work 10 times as hard as "normal" people to achieve them.
Watching the figure skaters practice at the Skating Club of Boston reminds me of my first visit to the Velodrome in Vienna. Seeing how unattainable the track cyclists' level of skill was for someone like me did not put me off road and fixed gear cycling. I realised then that I saw value in pursuing cycling as a sport independent of my ability to succeed in it. It was good for my character to have to work hard at something I loved, even if it yielded disappointing results, rather than to accept praise for being "talented" at things I was naturally good at. Talent, after all, is not an achievement - it is simply there.
My pursuit of cycling over the past 3 years - starting from a place where I didn't know how to turn other than using the handlebars and needed to have both feet flat on the ground while in the saddle - has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. This may seem ludicrous to those who know me in person in light of my other "achievements" and life experiences. Nevertheless, my passion for this activity that I am at best mediocre at, has taught me more about myself than I probably wanted to know. It broke down some of my defenses that kept me from understanding my true goals in life and it has made me more comfortable with myself overall.
It is hard to say whether, generally speaking, there is value in pursuing things we are bad at. Sure, we can make the argument that facing one's limitations and attempting to work through them - whether successfully or not - builds character. But we can also make the argument that it is more worthwhile to pursue the things we are good at, in the hopes of achieving true excellence - which could benefit not only ourselves, but in some cases society as a whole. In the end it is about the individual's life journey. During mine I found that passion and mediocrity can co-exist.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Ice Chandeliers
Anyone getting sick of ice abstracts yet? I know I certainly never tire of photographing them! Here's one from Saturday morning along the "Iceberg Coast", a section of the Lake Superior shoreline that has small "mountains" of ice sticking up out of the water along the beach right now. On the side of one of these "mountains" was this intriguing icicle-filled scene. Thanks to the incredibly calm conditions that morning the icicles were reflecting beautifully in the Lake Superior waters. As the morning light illuminated these icicles it reminded me of really ornate crystal chandeliers.
Snow!
The forecast was for two to four inches by daybreak.
The TV is full of snowmen and snowball fights and cantevenseethegrass, but here - not yet.
We had five inches of rain day before yesterday, so I'm thinking that the persistent puddles are melting all the snow.
It's still coming down though, so I've got my fingers crossed.
The TV is full of snowmen and snowball fights and cantevenseethegrass, but here - not yet.
We had five inches of rain day before yesterday, so I'm thinking that the persistent puddles are melting all the snow.
It's still coming down though, so I've got my fingers crossed.
Why Wye?
As I was getting ready to leave Springfield Wednesday morning (September 9th) I discussed my travel plans with my hosts. My intention at that time was to head north to Lawrence, Kansas to see what I could find on Samuel Fisher, the brother of my 2nd Great Grandmother, Louisa Fisher Phend.
However, I made a stop to purchase a few things before leaving and “something” jogged my memory – a small town in Arkansas was calling my name.
In 1985, I corresponded with Arba Phend Showalter, a daughter of Marion Ora Phend and granddaughter of Christian Phend. Her uncle, Clarence D. Phend was the fellow who wrote the early version of the history of the Phend Family.
Though undocumented and rife with errors, his version of the family history nevertheless provided invaluable information and clues for further research. I will forever be grateful to Clarence for putting it all in writing and to Arba for sending me a copy of it!
Clarence was first married on May 18, 1901 in Elkhart County, Indiana to Myrtle Clyde. It is not known whether Myrtle was deceased or if they were divorced, but, according to Arba, Clarence was married a second time to Lora West on September 22, 1908.
I haven't found Clarence in the 1910 Federal Census but in 1920 he was a 43 year old preacher living in River Town, Mayes County, Oklahoma along with his wife, Lora. She was also 43 years old and a school teacher. In the 1930 census, Clarence and Lora were found in Wye, Perry County, Arkansas. His occupation was given as farmer and she was a public school teacher. In both 1920 and 1930, he was listed as having been born in Indiana and she in Missouri.
It seems that Clarence may have been an itinerant preacher for a time. In an article found online in .. (the url is no longer valid) about the Branson, Missouri Presbyterian Church by Townsend Godsey in the White River Valley Historical Quarterly (v 9, Winter 1987) there was this brief sentence “... Revivalists, identified by the Branson Echo as Reverends Ross and Phend, began asking for subscriptions to build a church...”
Of her uncle Clarence, Arba wrote “My information is that his second wife's name was Lola Gray. I wrote to Alice Selby, pastor of the Wye and Bigelow, Arkansas United Methodist church in 1981. She wrote that the church records show that Clarence and Lora Gray Phend became members of the Wye United Brethren Church on August 22, 1943. Lora taught school in the community and Clarence did some preaching. I quote 'They lived in a little cabin about 6 miles south of Bigelow, Arkansas on Highway 113' and 'Lora was raised in Graysville, Missouri and I know that in early days, Rev. Phend was the pastor of a U. B. Church in northern Missouri which may be where he met Lora.' Clarence died on either the 11th or 22nd of March 1945. Lora died November 30, 1951 and both are buried in the Wye, Arkansas cemetery. My mother's information is that Clarence died on the 11th of March 1945 but Alice Selby writes it was March 22nd 1943 which can't be right.”
So it was to find Clarence's burial place that I headed south from Springfield instead of going north. Though I knew “about” where it was, I couldn't find the town of Wye on the road atlas that I had and, luckily, as I entered Arkansas on US Rte 65 there was a welcome center. The nice man gave me a more detailed map and even helped me find Wye, which is about 30 miles northwest of Little Rock.
Even though it was raining and overcast, I opted to get off the main highway and take Scenic Route 7 from Harrison. Route 7 winds and wends its way through the hills and valleys - it wasn't quite so scenic as it would have been on a nice sunny day, but it was still quite pretty. And it didn't rain the whole way. After turning off onto several other back-country roads and traversing their ups and downs, I eventually found myself in the small community of Wye. You can't really call it a town since there are no open stores but there are some houses. And a church. And some vacant buildings.
The half-mile road back to the cemetery is really a one lane gravel path, barely wide enough for one vehicle, with trees bordering both sides of the lane. And it was raining, again. Pouring down. But as I arrived at the cemetery, it let up some and after a few minutes slowed to a drizzle. It was about 4 o'clock. Trees surrounded the cemetery and their darkness contributed to the gloomy day.
Wye Cemetery covers a fairly large area but there aren't that many stones there. It only took half an hour or so to walk the entire cemetery. Clarence and Lora were alongside the front of a fenced in area and I had somehow overlooked them on the first pass through from front to back.
It surprised me that they were buried next to the Rev. Alice Selby. The very same Alice Selby who had provided Arba Showalter with information about Clarence!
Clarence D. Phend, son of Christian and Mary (McConnell) Phend, was born September 18, 1876 in Kosciusko County, Indiana and passed away on March 11, 1945 in Bigelow, Perry County, Arkansas. Lora (West) Phend was born about 1877 and died November 30, 1951. They are buried in Wye Cemetery, Pulaski County, Arkansas.
Note: The 1930 census shows Wye Township in Perry County, Arkansas. The GNIS database and Find-a-Grave both show that it is in Pulaski County. I haven't yet found when the change was made.
However, I made a stop to purchase a few things before leaving and “something” jogged my memory – a small town in Arkansas was calling my name.
In 1985, I corresponded with Arba Phend Showalter, a daughter of Marion Ora Phend and granddaughter of Christian Phend. Her uncle, Clarence D. Phend was the fellow who wrote the early version of the history of the Phend Family.
Though undocumented and rife with errors, his version of the family history nevertheless provided invaluable information and clues for further research. I will forever be grateful to Clarence for putting it all in writing and to Arba for sending me a copy of it!
Clarence was first married on May 18, 1901 in Elkhart County, Indiana to Myrtle Clyde. It is not known whether Myrtle was deceased or if they were divorced, but, according to Arba, Clarence was married a second time to Lora West on September 22, 1908.
I haven't found Clarence in the 1910 Federal Census but in 1920 he was a 43 year old preacher living in River Town, Mayes County, Oklahoma along with his wife, Lora. She was also 43 years old and a school teacher. In the 1930 census, Clarence and Lora were found in Wye, Perry County, Arkansas. His occupation was given as farmer and she was a public school teacher. In both 1920 and 1930, he was listed as having been born in Indiana and she in Missouri.
It seems that Clarence may have been an itinerant preacher for a time. In an article found online in .. (the url is no longer valid) about the Branson, Missouri Presbyterian Church by Townsend Godsey in the White River Valley Historical Quarterly (v 9, Winter 1987) there was this brief sentence “... Revivalists, identified by the Branson Echo as Reverends Ross and Phend, began asking for subscriptions to build a church...”
Of her uncle Clarence, Arba wrote “My information is that his second wife's name was Lola Gray. I wrote to Alice Selby, pastor of the Wye and Bigelow, Arkansas United Methodist church in 1981. She wrote that the church records show that Clarence and Lora Gray Phend became members of the Wye United Brethren Church on August 22, 1943. Lora taught school in the community and Clarence did some preaching. I quote 'They lived in a little cabin about 6 miles south of Bigelow, Arkansas on Highway 113' and 'Lora was raised in Graysville, Missouri and I know that in early days, Rev. Phend was the pastor of a U. B. Church in northern Missouri which may be where he met Lora.' Clarence died on either the 11th or 22nd of March 1945. Lora died November 30, 1951 and both are buried in the Wye, Arkansas cemetery. My mother's information is that Clarence died on the 11th of March 1945 but Alice Selby writes it was March 22nd 1943 which can't be right.”
So it was to find Clarence's burial place that I headed south from Springfield instead of going north. Though I knew “about” where it was, I couldn't find the town of Wye on the road atlas that I had and, luckily, as I entered Arkansas on US Rte 65 there was a welcome center. The nice man gave me a more detailed map and even helped me find Wye, which is about 30 miles northwest of Little Rock.
Even though it was raining and overcast, I opted to get off the main highway and take Scenic Route 7 from Harrison. Route 7 winds and wends its way through the hills and valleys - it wasn't quite so scenic as it would have been on a nice sunny day, but it was still quite pretty. And it didn't rain the whole way. After turning off onto several other back-country roads and traversing their ups and downs, I eventually found myself in the small community of Wye. You can't really call it a town since there are no open stores but there are some houses. And a church. And some vacant buildings.
The half-mile road back to the cemetery is really a one lane gravel path, barely wide enough for one vehicle, with trees bordering both sides of the lane. And it was raining, again. Pouring down. But as I arrived at the cemetery, it let up some and after a few minutes slowed to a drizzle. It was about 4 o'clock. Trees surrounded the cemetery and their darkness contributed to the gloomy day.
Wye Cemetery covers a fairly large area but there aren't that many stones there. It only took half an hour or so to walk the entire cemetery. Clarence and Lora were alongside the front of a fenced in area and I had somehow overlooked them on the first pass through from front to back.
It surprised me that they were buried next to the Rev. Alice Selby. The very same Alice Selby who had provided Arba Showalter with information about Clarence!
Clarence D. Phend, son of Christian and Mary (McConnell) Phend, was born September 18, 1876 in Kosciusko County, Indiana and passed away on March 11, 1945 in Bigelow, Perry County, Arkansas. Lora (West) Phend was born about 1877 and died November 30, 1951. They are buried in Wye Cemetery, Pulaski County, Arkansas.
Note: The 1930 census shows Wye Township in Perry County, Arkansas. The GNIS database and Find-a-Grave both show that it is in Pulaski County. I haven't yet found when the change was made.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Washing Day.
No one likes smelly shoes at the crag, so the Caronas took a hit from the front load washing machine, along with some volleys. They look gorgeous again and ready for summer climbing. Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wiley cat being attacted by a Christmas ribbon
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