Saturday, February 28, 2009

Flying Saucer



These two images represent my longest exposure attempts to date. The one above, which I named "Flying Saucer" (thanks to my brother, who said the star circles look like the bottom of a flying saucer) is a 3 hour exposure taken from 2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. The image below is a 2.5 hour exposure taken from 11:30 p.m. to 1:00 a.m.

Errandeuring and Errant Weather

Post-Blizzard Rain
Today were possibly some of the worst conditions I have ever cycled in - a situation made all the more dramatic by the fact that I wasn't merely cycling; I was erandeurring. But let me start from the beginning. You see, there is an entire culture out there that thrives on turning transportation cycling into a sport in its own right - reinventing commuting as series of challenges to make it more interesting. While this approach is pretty much the antithesis of my own, I am nonetheless intrigued by it. When the utilitaire and coffeeneuring crazes swept the nation last year, I followed along with interest. Loosely modeled on randonneuring, these games involved keeping track of one's coffee shop and utility rides, complete with control cards and minimum mileage requirements. The authors of the Chasing Mailboxes blog in Washington, DC hosted the challenge, diligently collecting entries from participants all over the US, posting updates and results.



This winter they announced their latest project: theerrandonnee. Participants are challenged to "complete 12 errands in 12 days and ride a total of 30 miles by bike between February 9-20." A detailed list of rules was again provided, along with control cards. I read through it all and decided - what the heck - to give this thing a try. While riding a minimum of 30 miles in errands over the course of 12 days would not be out of the ordinary for me, I wondered what it would be like to keep track of this mileage, to categorise it according to the rules, and in general to reframe everyday cycling as taking part in a challenge.




Post-Blizzard Rain
The thing I did not foresee, was that the challenge aspect would become quite real. On February 9th we had our blizzard, and on the next day I still did not feel like braving the streets on two wheels. So as of this morning, I had only 10 days to complete the 30 miles of errands. Not only was there plenty of snow still on the roads, but it was now also raining badly.




Post-Blizzard Rain
I may lack the words to adequately describe today's road conditions. There wasn't just snow, there was deep water. Temperatures had risen sharply overnight, with snowbanks melting and additional rain coming down. By mid-day, some streets were downright flooded, and in many cases the water concealed slush underneath. On top of this, it was raining quite hard, with poor visibility and all the extra traffic chaos that comes with that. I now own a bright yellow raincoat for days like this, and that's what I wore. I also always have my lights on when it rains, despite it being daytime.




Post-Blizzard Rain
Even along stretches where the road itself was mostly clear, turns were treacherous, as that was where deep water and uncleared snow were gathered. Street corners were also where snowbanks were at their highest, which, as I soon figured out, meant that cars turning onto the main road from side streets had poor visibility. After a couple of close encounters, I decided the safest place to ride was smack in the middle of the travel lane.




Post-Blizzard Rain
Mid-day traffic was bad, and being on a bike did not put me at an advantage this time. Between the snowbanks and the trucks, there was not always a way to cycle past the standing traffic. My pictures were taken close to home, on a street where I felt it was safe to get off the bike and photograph the conditions of the roads. But for most of my route it didn't feel right to stop. Rain kept coming down, cars were honking at each other and executing all sorts of crazy maneuvers, roads were flooded and/or still covered with snow, and the whole thing was more than a little stressful.




Post-Blizzard Rain
In the course of all this, I completely forgot that I was errandeuring, remembering it only once I'd returned home. So far, the awareness of taking part in a challenge has not made me feel any differently about doing errands by bike. I had to go out today either way, and riding was still preferable to walking in ankle-deep water.



My impression of the utilitaire, coffeeneuring and errandonnee family of challenges, is that they are largely for athlete cyclists who might normally drive for transportation, but are looking to do it more by bike. The competitive paradigm appeals to them, so they've extended it to transportation cycling as a form of motivation. But I do know of cyclists who are purely commuters and have been enjoying the challenges too. Ultimately, I see errandeuring as a celebration of cycling, with its elaborate rule structure as largely tongue in cheek. Now to check whether bonus points are in store for the epic road conditions I've endured...

Dill Flower







These are clusters of dill flowers. Each of the tiny yellow dots is a tiny dill flower. There are hundreds on each of the clusters.

Friday, February 27, 2009

What a wonderful bird the frog are

Hubby took a branch-trimming break to show me this cute little Gray Treefrog (Hyla versicolor) he'd found. They have got to be the most willing-to-pose frog species in existence. Just like the one from last year, he didn't budge the whole time I had the camera practically up his nose.



I included this poem in the previous post too, but I like it so much I'm using it again. Something about the Gray Treefrog just brings it out in me.

What a wonderful bird the frog are!
When he stand he sit almost;
When he hop he fly almost.
He ain't got no sense hardly;
He ain't got no tail hardly either.
When he sit, he sit on what he ain't got almost.

-Anonymous

------

More crittery goodness at the Friday Ark.

Thanks, Miriam!

Sunday, September 19th - - It was a delightful day that was spent with one of my favs – Miriam Midkiff of Ancestories :: The Stories of my Ancestors. Miriam has already written about our day but I just wanted to add that it was my pleasure to be able to spend some time with her - to get to know her a little better and to meet her son and husband. Her son, being a teenager, didn't have much to say but her husband and I had several engaging conversations while Miriam was off doing something else. The pot roast was delicious. It was very nice to have a home-cooked meal for a change!

Miriam Robbins Midkiff and Becky Wiseman. Photo taken September 19, .. by her husband.
Even though I knew that Miriam and I probably wouldn't get together until Sunday, I arrived in Spokane about mid-day Friday. I had decided that this would be a good opportunity to have a couple of “down” days. I had to tend to some errands – get the oil changed in the van, laundry, grocery shopping – you know, things that “normal” people do on a regular basis ;-)

I also took advantage of having electricity at the RV park to work on the photos from August on the netbook. I don't normally stay at commercial RV parks (or resorts, as this one was called) because they usually resemble parking lots. But for some reason the state of Washington closed the campgrounds in some of its State Parks in mid-September so I had no alternative. This particular RV resort was actually kind of nice. There were some trees and bushes in between each parking space, which provided some degree of privacy. A rarity in an RV park! They also had wifi available but I kept getting kicked off the network after about 15 minutes online. Luckily there was a McDonalds across the street...and their wifi worked great.

My stop-over in Spokane was a nice break in my journey. Several tasks were accomplished and I got to spend some time with a friend. Thank you, Miriam! And I look forward to our next visit, someday!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Leap of Faith

Leap Year, Mercian, Snow


That extra day given to us by the leap year stirred up a storm of trouble. After a remarkably mild winter, we got snow on the last day of February and first day of March. Then overnight the temperature fell and this morning the roads are snow-encrusted still. Frustrating for someone who had a carefully crafted training plan for a difficult century ride at the end of the month. If this weather continues for the next couple of weeks, what then?




All kinds of thoughts are now racing through my mind: "I shouldn't have taken time off over the winter... I should have ridden on those days when it rained, 'cause at least it wasn't snowing... I should be riding on the trainer more... There is no way I will be ready at this rate..." Advice from others is so diverse that it's only making me anxious with uncertainty. Some seem confident that I can do the ride, others seem equally certain that I cannot. And that's just among those who know me in person.




But pottering around my neighbourhood in the snow on a day I'd hoped to put in 50 miles, I realised that I need to let all of these worries go and just do the trip no matter what, ready or not.




I am not downplaying the importance of training. I am also not ignoring the fact that proper training can make the difference between being able to complete a challenging ride and not. But in the past, being worried about this has kept me from doing a lot of things on the bike that in retrospect I wish I'd done sooner.




It took me two and a half years to work up the nerve to try a century. I got as far as 65 mile rides pretty easily, but just couldn't take that last step. I read articles about it, listened to advice, and the timing never seemed right. Then one day I just did it. The timing was not any more right than any other time, and I hadn't trained in the weeks leading up to it at all. But I took it easy and rode those 100 miles.




I waited two years to join the local paceline rides, because I didn't feel ready. And it's true, I wasn't ready two years ago. But when I did finally get up the courage to try them, I wasn't ready either! I showed up, felt completely out of place, and struggled like I'd never struggled on a ride before. But I did it, and it changed me as a cyclist. I wish I'd tried it sooner, even if that meant failure.




It seems to me that we can't know where we stand unless we allow ourselves to experience failure, or come close to failure. Maybe the real benefit of the trip to Death Valley is that it will teach me about my limitations. Whether I get enough training or not, I will just have to deal with it instead of backing out or putting it off as I've done so many times before.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Walk on the Desert

went for a walk on the desert the other day and saw some interesting plants. The dogs trailed something that was most likely a rabbit. Was a nice day.















































































Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sojourn at Green River

By now, you probably know that I was planning a visit to GeneaMecca - the ultimate destination for any genealogist. I had spent an hour or two, almost every night since leaving Indiana on May 2nd, reviewing the information I had on my ancestors. But that just wasn't enough time to develop a research plan. The library at Green River was rather small but very nice and the ladies that worked there were terrific. Much of my time was spent at the library during my five-day stay at Green River. There wasn't a lot to do in the immediate area of Green River, but the days were beautiful and it was tempting to venture out to Arches, Moab, and Canyonlands.



In addition to working on the ancestor summaries I was able to get a few blog posts written and scheduled. What I was trying to accomplish with the ancestor summaries was to identify the weak links in each line. I reviewed the information I had in my Legacy database as well as the files and documents I have scanned that haven't been entered in Legacy yet. Yes, there is a lot of data entry to be done and it would have made this process much simpler if all the data was in Legacy. Someday. Maybe. It will get done!



At any rate, I was able to make some headway on that task as well as identifying some of the “dead-end” lines. You have to remember that it has been nearly two years since I've really done anything with my genealogy research. I was surprised to learn that I had documentation for relationships for the entire first five generations! In the sixth generation there are two sets of 3rd great grandparents for whom I don't have names plus two 3rd great grandmothers whose names I don't know, so I'm “missing” 6 of the 32 great-great-great grandparents. For the other 26 of the 32, I have documentation that firmly links them to their children. It has been an interesting and enlightening task.



Beyond the sixth generation, there are definitely some “weak links” in the connections between generations. But there are a few lines that I've traced back to the immigrant ancestor and have the documentation for each generation. Others are mostly wishful thinking!



It wasn't all work and no play during the five days at Green River. I did manage to get out a bit. No major hikes, but I did do a little walking. The legs seem to be doing quite well with the medication I'm taking as long as I don't overdo it. Hopefully they will continue to get stronger.





The road leading up to Canyonlands National Park.



At the top of the plateau, looking down on the highway. I didn't go much further, in fact I didn't even get into Canyonlands. Last years visit didn't do much for me and I had only a few hours of daylight left on this day (May 15th). The best thing about my visit there last year was the sunset at Horsethief Campground and seeing my new friend Hunter again.





Desiring to see a little more “green” in the landscape I headed back down the mountain and toward Moab. Turning off on Utah highway 128 on the north edge of Moab, I followed the highway which followed the Colorado River much of the way back to I-70.





The La Sal Mountains in the distance with the Colorado River in the foreground. It was a wonderful drive. All photographs were taken on May 15th.



The Creek

Lee is standing by the creek that is above Jemez Springs where a lot of fishing is done. I think this is part of San Antonio Creek.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Brevet Season

Brevet Season Kick-Off Party, Ride Studio Cafe

Over the weekend, local bike shop and cycling club Ride Studio Cafe hosted a group ride followed by a Brevet Season Kick-Off Party that lasted well into the night. Organised by the RSC and cycling legends The Blayleys, this event included food, drink, a bike show, and an information session about various aspects of randonneuring.




Brevet Season Kick-Off Party, Ride Studio Cafe
This event struck me as significant on a number of levels. It was a coming together of the worlds of road racing, randonneuring and casual cycling, which rarely happens in other communities. It also showed just how much local interest there is in randonneuring. The room was absolutely packed and by the time things got started it was almost impossible to move. No one expected such a turnout.





Brevet Season Kick-Off Party, Ride Studio Cafe
Though many beautiful and unusual bicycles were brought in for the bike show and contest, it was impossible to photograph them due to their sheer proximity to one another. Frames bearing the marks of Weigle, Vanilla, ANT, Rawland, Rivendell, Sketchy, Gunnar and Seven were a common sight, as were refurbished vintage mystery frames. The glitter of hammered fenders set the room aglow. Saddlebags swayed to the soft French music that played in the background. Map sleeves glistened. Leather saddles of at least 4 different makes flaunted their rivets and cut-outs.Light and heavy, racy and sedate, with integrated lighting and without, rando bikes filled the entire room and spilled outside. Waist-deep in a sea of lovely bikes, yet unable to photograph them... oh how I suffered! The winners of the bike contest were a stunningly crafted JP Weigle, a refurbished vintage Raleigh, and a customised Seven rando bike (this one).




New England Ranonneurs, RSC Brevet Season Kick-Off Party

Last year it took me a while to understand what randonneuring really was, and I suspect many readers might like to have it explained. French in origin, randonneuring is defined as a "noncompetitive, timed, endurance cycling sport." It involves riding in organised long distance events, with the goal to finish within a specific time frame. The rides are unsupported (no van with supplies and mechanical help to follow riders around) and take place regardless of weather conditions. Control points along the way ensure participants cover the entire route.




Official randonneuring events (aka randonnées) are sanctioned internationally by the Audax Club Parisien and in the US by Randonneurs USA. Our local organisation here in Boston isthe New England Randonneurs (NER).




The shortest type ofrandonnée (petiterandonnée?)is called the Populaire, and it is 100km - a metric century. But the prototypical randonnées are the brevets - rides 200km or longer. Local organisations will usually host a brevet series starting in spring, consisting of 200km, 300km, 400km and 600km rides spread out through the season. Hence, the Brevet Season.




Other types ofrandonnéesinclude the Flèche (a 24 hour team event, described very nicely here), and the so-called granderandonnées, the most famous of which is the 1200km Paris-Brest-Paris(for some time there was a local granderandonnéeBoston-Montreal-Boston, but sadly it appears to have been discontinued). The schedule for all the local randonnées this season is postedhere.




Brevet Season Kick-Off Party, Ride Studio Cafe

A number of well known local randonneurs attended the Brevet Kick-Off Party, and it was a pleasure to see them in person.




Emily O'Brien, RSC Brevet Season Kick-Off Party

It was particularly excited to spot Emily O'Brien - a woman known for riding long distance on fixed gear, eating pickles, and making custom bicycle bags named after pickles.




Cris C., RSC Brevet Season Kick-Off Party
I also finally met a few people whom I'd previously only corresponded with - including Cris C., who arrived on his well-loved ANT.




Matt Roy/ MM Racing, RSC Brevet Season Kick-Off Party
Presentations were given byMelinda Lyon of the New England Randonneurs, Pamela Blalock, andMatt Roy of MM Racing. Matt was at a disadvantage in that he went on last and it was already quite late. But I am so glad I stayed for his presentation, because he is an extremely engaging and charismatic speaker. At 10pm, Matt's talk made me want to immediately get up and ride a few hundred miles - whilst meticulously following his instructions of course.




Brevet Season Kick-Off Party, Ride Studio Cafe
While I find the idea of randonneuring exciting and romantic, I doubt that I can actually do it. The routes are hilly and challenging, and the people who do these things are extremely strong riders, no matter how much they might downplay it in conversation. Randonneurs tend to make a point of being inclusive and assuring others that "anyone can do it," and they honestly believe it. They also have a habit of describing rides in a way that makes it seem all about the scenery and camaraderie, conveniently leaving out the part about it being difficult! But in fact it is very difficult, and I am not a sufficiently strong cyclist at this stage. It is also a must that participants be able to fix their own mechanical problems, since there is no support. While I have the know-how, I cannot physically work on my bike and that presents a problem. Finally - and I hate to say this, but it's true - I am simply not committed enough. Though I ride a lot, I do it on my own time instead of planning my life around rides that take place on specific dates. When push comes to shove, personal things have priority and in the past it has been very difficult for me to commit to organised cycling events. For serious randonneurs, their lives basically revolve around the brevet season, as a great deal of commitment is required to both take part in and train for the events.



Some day I would like to take part in a brevet (or a flèche - those sound like so much fun!), and I certainly do not mean to discourage others from doing it. It's just that there has been such a tendency to romanticise randonneuring and to contrast it with racing, that the popular image of the activity does not, in my opinion, adequately reflect how challenging and demanding it actually is. It's good to go into something with realistic expectations.




Brevet Season Kick-Off Party, Ride Studio Cafe

As you can see, the Brevet Season Kick-Off Event has given me a lot to think about. More than anything, I am still overwhelmed by how significant it felt to be there. We could practically feel a new era dawning as more and more people filled the room (several of us mentioned that independently so I know it wasn't just my overactive imagination!). While it doesn't mean that the local population will now rush en masse to join the New England Randonneurs (though it's a great idea to support them), I do think it's indicative of a growing interest in a particular type of cycling: long rides on bikes that are fast yet practical, and without an overt competitive element. It's the kind of cycling I like best so far, and I appreciate that it is so well supported locally. More low-light pictures of the event here!

One Way to Lower Your Bike's Gearing

AT's Refurbished Jeunet
overheard in a bike shop



Customer, returning from a test ride: "I love the bike! But it feels like there are not enough low gears? What is the best way to get easier gears?"



Salesperson: "Oh, well you need to ride the bike for several weeks for the gears to wear in. They should feel lower after that than they do now. If not, you can bring the bike back and we'll get you lower gears. But they usually wear in."



I almost laughed out loud, but I have to say I agree. The gearing on all of my bikes feels lower now than it did when I first got them. The gears have worn in so nicely! If you opt for this method though, be mindful that if you neglect the bike and stop riding it for a while, the gears will stiffen up and feel higher again the next time you get in the saddle. The fun facts of bike ownership.

College Cooking - Thomas Keller Oreos


TKO's - Thomas Keller Oreos, originally uploaded by ParsecTraveller.

College has started, and I was lucky enough to get a dorm with a kitchen. My friend and I decided that the inaugural dish would be something sweet - homemade Oreos (TKO's) it was!

TKO's are incredibly good, with rich white chocolate ganache sandwiched between two chocolaty, sweet and slightly salty cookies. The flavors are divine. The recipe can be found under the February 28, post on this blog.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Riding to the Ride

Soma Smoothie Test Rides

Most of the rides I take part in start on the outskirts of Boston, usually about 10 miles from my house. Since I don't have a car, naturally I ride my bike there - which means tacking on 20 miles or so to the mileage of the ride itself. A 30 mile club ride is really a 50 mile ride for me, and so on.




In the beginning I thought this put me at a disadvantage to most of the other cyclists there - who either lived nearby or arrived by car. After all, by the time the ride starts I've already cycled 10 miles, whereas the others are well-rested and full of energy. But as I kept riding and learned more about myself as a cyclist, I realised that it was quite the opposite. I am one of those riders who is slow to warm up - feeling sluggish for quite a while before suddenly waking up and getting that "I have wings!" feeling. How lucky that riding to the ride provides me with a warm up!




I've grown so used to riding my bike straight from home, that doing a couple of rides with remote starts this year was incredibly strange. It felt unnatural to load the bike into a car, and I couldn't shake the feeling I was forgetting something, my standard operating procedure for getting out the door disrupted. The remote start was the one aspect of D2R2 I didn't love, while part of the appeal of the overnight ride to Maine was starting from our neighbourhood and ending up across two state lines. Here in the Northeast we have fantastic regional events, and I am trying to decide how interested I am in those that aren't within reasonable cycling distance. ...Of course the definition of what's reasonable is subjective. Some have been known to ride to D2R2 from Boston. A 100 mile warm-up certainly beats my 10!

It's Not Over...

I was so looking forward to spending the rest of the year on the beaches of Padre Island in South Texas, soaking up the nice, warm sunshine! And traveling further west again to explore places that I missed the last time through... but sometimes, life throws you a curve ball, and "plans" change.

The Journey has made a U-turn and is on Indefinite Hold. After several very nice days in the Texarkana, Texas area (one day was in the mid-70s!!), I'm back in Indiana.

I'm fine – it's my Mother – she has some medical problems that are far more serious than we were originally told. She goes to the doctor on Wednesday for a scope to determine the size of a tumor in her colon and to take samples to send off to see if it is cancer. We probably won't know anything definite until after Christmas. Once we know what it is we will know what course of action needs to be taken. And we'll do what needs to be done. And hope and pray for a positive outcome.

In the meantime, I'll have the wonderful memories of the many fantastic places I've been these past 15 months and the dreams of the places yet to be seen... It's Not Over!


Big Lagoon State Park, Pensacola, FloridaNovember 18, ..

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Ebb and Flow of the Tide...

On my first visit to the Schoodic Peninsula, when the tide had been low, we had noticed a little house along an inlet that had a dock on stilts. We had driven past it before we realized what we had seen. On the 17th when we left Acadia National Park and headed 'down east' I stopped and photographed that little house. I would go by it on two more occasions, when the tide was at different levels. I guess you could say I was a little fascinated by the tides and how different it looked under the various conditions. If you ever get there, this little spot is on the right side of the road, just as you exit the National Park on the Schoodic Peninsula.






At high tide, or thereabouts. 12:43 pm on September 17th.




Not quite low tide, at 10:48 am on September 21st. It was a cloudy, rather dreary day.






At low tide. 3:14 pm September 27th.



Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Wordless Wednesday :: Schooldaze ~ Third Grade

Mother's Day


My mother, in her youth.

My mother is the nicest person I have ever known.

Some things about my mother:

She grew up on a farm, and had to work in the fields every day. But her father believed strongly in education. So if the kids were studying, they didn't have to work. (They did a lot of studying.)

When she was a little girl, she had Scarlet Fever, a disease in which (among other things) your skin turns red and peels. She thought that when all the old skin peeled off, she’d get a new name. The name she wanted was “Marthateen".

She left home at age 15.

She was the first in her family to earn a college degree.

My father used to say that he had to pester her into marrying him.

She first worked at the Power company, then was a high school teacher until I was born.

She is very crafty, but can also do things like building cabinets, laying rock for patios, and repairing garage doors.

Until recently, she did all her own yard work, and always got up on the roof to clean the gutters... well into her 70s.

She can run rings around me.

Digging through my grandmother's closets as a teenager, I learned two things about my mother that she'd never told me:

She learned to fly an airplane before she learned to drive a car.

She did, despite repeated assurances to the contrary, have a middle name. One she despised. Since I hated my middle name through all of grade school, I could relate. (Hers was way worse than mine.)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wagon

I'm sitting on what I think is part of an old wagon for hauling out the logs that were cut in this little canyon all those years ago.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Beef?! It’s not just for dinner anymore! Lycra clothing in the mountains.





If you were alive back in the '80s and I appreciate many who read this blog weren't you have no attachment to Lycra. Generally made fun of these days and passed off as being so dated..along with the mullet hair cut, Dachstein wool products andVaurnet sunglasses.



All the jokes are there. Made a few myself.







But if you doing almost any sporting activity, and want to compete, be it bike racing, swimming, running or ski racing Lycra is a part of your life or should be.





Lycra used to good effect throughout in a Triathlon race of any distance



I think with the right design,used in the proper context there is a place for Lycra in the mountains. One that no other fabric I have used to date can replace.







Lycra on a Winter alpine summit



I have a lot of Lycra in my gear room between running, swimming, the bike and of course climbing.



All the wild colored tights of the '80s are gone. But if I were still doing hard rock climbing I might go looking for something similar. Call it "old school".









I've never been very impressed of what others thought of my choices in clothing. I have always worn what I wanted when I wanted. That hasn't changed much since Kindergarten much to my mother's consternation.



So when Iheard Lycra comments (none of them flattering) over thelast 30 years I've just chuckled and thought..."they have no clue". Lycra, isn't a right or a privilege. It is simply a smart choice much of the time. When it comes to using well designed Lycra or any technical clothing in the outdoors, most don't much of the time. I use Lycra because it is the most effective material for my own use at times. Simple as that.



Yesterday I spent the day out on skimo gear. Part of mygear choices(andthere wasn't much gear involved) was a CAMP skimo race suit.



http://www.camp-usa.com/products/apparel/contest-ski-mountaineering-race-suit-1519.asp











Without a doubt being in the CAMPskimo suit made one of my better efforts in the mtns also one, if not THE most comfortable days in the mountains.



More to come in the next blog and acomplete review of this suit and why I think anyone into "speed touring"should at least in part be using someLycra. Till then, tell the next guy or gal that disses your Lycra to piss off. Or better yet just drop them in the ski track and the down hill!

If you can't drop them now...you might be surprised the difference some Lycra couldmake in your own performance.